I should be sponsored by Trojan
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
