I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
