Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
