so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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