We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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