Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
