I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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