Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
