Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
