1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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