I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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