I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
