Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
