I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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