If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
