Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
