Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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