im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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