Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
