I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
