It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
