True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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