apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
