so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
