i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
