I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
