When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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