ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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