we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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