did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
