Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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