She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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