Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
