Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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