margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I need to stop coming to work sober
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
