just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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