tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
