She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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