im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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