I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
