Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
