Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
