you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
