I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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