I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
