I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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