yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
