I'm jealous of your bromance
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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