she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
