whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
