I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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